[ Indistinct chatter ]
Hello, everyone,and welcome back.
We are live atSouth Park Elementary school,
where the localgirls volleyball team
is about to take onthe Jefferson Sabers.
And, Jim, it is a packed.
Sell-out crowd tonight --the first time in team history.
Everyone turning outto see what's gonna happen.
That's right, Mike.All eyes tonight
are of course on 4th graderNichole Daniels.
Will she sit or standfor the national anthem?
This week, with athletesall over the country
sitting down forthe national anthem,
the question oneveryone's mind is,
what is thislittle girl gonna do?
She's not gonna sit down.Why would she?
Screw that. I got a hundredbucks riding on this.
Come on, Nichole!Sit it out!
MAN: Now please risefor the national anthem.
This is it!
[ "The Star Spangled Banner"plays ]
ANNOUNCER #1:The national anthem starts.
Nichole Daniels seemsto be waiting.
So far, no sign of --
Oh, and Heidi Turneris sitting down!
[ Crowd gasping ]
ANNOUNCER #2: Mike,this is totally unexpected.
All eyes were on Nicholewhen Heidi Turner
comes out of nowhereand sits down for --
And there goesMeagan Ridley!
The crowd is going wild.What a turn of events.
Let's check in with Dave.
Ed and Mike, I've just lookedat the girls' Twitter accounts,
and it appears they are sittingout the national anthem
to protest allthe harassment and trolling
they receive on the Internet!
Complete surprise, Dave.Nobody saw this coming.
Three girlsnow sitting down, and --
and finallythere goes Nichole.
-Wow!-Yeah, 100 bucks!
And now as the anthem drawsto a close, this thing is over.
The final result --four athletes sitting out
on the national anthem,three of them not even black.
A shockerhere in South Park.
Thanks for joining us.
Oh, my God,that was great!
Uh, play ball.
[ Whistle blows ]
While people everywhere fightfor their voices to be heard,
perhaps it is timefor us to consider
that our national anthemneeds to be changed.
Americans need an anthemthat inspires and excites,
an anthem that hassomething for everyone,
while still paying tributeto what it once was.
I believe there's onlyone person capable
of achieving this --
MAN: Oh, J.J. Abrams!
[ All murmuring ]
He saved "Star Wars,"
and now we will ask himto save our country.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Mr. Abrams, we needto speak with you.
Mr. Abrams, I speak on behalfof Americans everywhere.
We've come to ask youto reboot the national anthem.
Please, Mr. Abrams,
we know you've beenasked to reboot a lot.
[ Whispering ]We know you're tired.
We know you're tired.
What do you say, sir?
We all want something new,
but that makes us rememberthe things we loved.
We want to member.
We needyour memberberries!
One light means yes.
Two lights means no.
[ All cheering ]
by the name of skankhunt42 hasbeen harassing women and girls
by making degrading commentson our school message board.
The girls are very upset,and many male students believe
that it's just because girlsdon't have a sense of humor.
I beg to disagree.
Girls rule. Women are funny.Get over it.
Just the other dayin the hallway,
I heard two male students sayinghow the new "Ghostbusters"
I was shocked and appalled.
It is time for us allto realize and accept
that girls are cooland women are funny.
Wendy? Wendy, could youcome up here, please?
Come on up, Wendy.Wendy Testaburger, guys.
[ Applause ]
Wendy, go ahead.Be funny.
Say something funny, Wendy.We can't wait.
I'm not funny.
Hey, girls are funny Wendy,okay? Get over it.
Just do women's comedy stuff --you know, talk about
how fat you are and howyou want to have sex with guys
and then say"my vagina!" a lot.
I don't feel likebeing funny right now.
And that's just the kindof sexist bull crap
that's gonna keep youin the kitchen.
Sit your ass down.
This isn't a joke, you guys.Girls are funny.
Bebe, why don'tyou come up here.
Come on, Bebe.
Come on, talk abouthaving sex with guys
and say "vagina!"and stuff like that.
Girls rule. Women are funny.
Bebe, get over yourself,seriously.
Get the micout of my face!
Huh. Oh, my God, that wasn'treally all that funny.
That's weird. Um...
Let's see. Red, you gotany zingers for the crowd?
No?How about you, Nelly?
Yeah, I got one.You're a fat [bleep]
[ Laughing ]
'Kay, that wasn't really funny.It was just angry.
You see, what the problem is,is that when a little troll
is allowed to say anythinghe wants anonymously,
then he speaksfor all you boys.
'Kay, that's good.Now, just try and say it
a little bitfunnier now.
Go ahead and get onour school message board
and see whathe's saying about us.
Then see if you guysthink it's funny.
Okay, and then -- and then --and then just go "my vagina!"
and they show Giant Doucheto be leading Turd Sandwich
by nearly 10%.
Turd sandwich has saidthere is no need to panic.
Polls are of coursea useful tool,
but they can oftenbe misleading.
Our campaign is holding strong.
-Mrs. Sandwich, over here!-Uh, Mrs. Sandwich.
-Mrs. Sandwich!-Question, Mrs. Sandwich!
Well, Mrs. Sandwich,do you believe
that your opponent will gainany momentum from this poll?
I'm sure that like me,Giant Douche realizes
that polls are neverthe final answer.
♪ Sell to me, baby
Suck that poll,you dumb bitch!
Up 10%. Can youbelieve that shit?
Oh, Caitlyn, I think we'rereally gonna win this thing.
Think about it.
In a couple of months,
I will be presidentof the United States.
[ Music stops ]
Caitlyn, can Iask you something?
Uh, when we actuallyget into the White House,
like, um, what are we gonna do?
What do you mean?
Well I mean, like,you know, once we're
president and vice president,like, what do we do then?
How the [bleep]should I know?
Cait, you -- you heardabout the poll, right?
We're probably gonna win.
Don't tell meyou don't have a plan!
What plan?I thought you had a plan!
I don't haveany [bleep] plan!
That's why I have you!
I'm gonna be the president,and you're gonna be in charge
of all foreignand domestic policies!
I thought you weregonna do that part.
Are you telling me that we'reabout to be voted into office,
and we have no idea whatthe [bleep] we're gonna do?!
[ Dramatic notes play ]
"German collective guilt,"right?
Where even the Germanswho just did nothing
while Hitler rose to powerwere -- were maybe somehow
Mm-hmm. M'kay. M'kay.
But I can't controlwhat Cartman does,
so why should I feel shamefor what Cartman does?
Well, J.J. Abrams is rebootingthe national anthem, Kyle,
so everything's gonnabe fine, m'kay?
I don't think the answerto all this is memberberries.
You don't likemem-- memberberries?
[ Groans ] Never mind.I'm just gonna stay out of it.
Yeah, a-a-and 'member AT-ATs?
Oh, I 'member.
-Oh, I loved Slimer.-'Member?!
How could someone thinkthese things are bad?
[ All talking ]
Yeah! 'Member tricorders?
-I 'member!-'Member that?!
Oh, and 'member Bionic Man?
Oh I 'member.
I loved Bionic Man.
[ All talking ]
'Member Chewbacca again?
Oh, I love to 'member Chewbacca!
Hey, 'member when thereweren't so many Mexicans?
Oh! I 'member.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
'Member when marriage was justbetween a man and a woman.
-I 'member!-Ooh, I 'member!
-Oh, yeah!-Yeah, I 'member that.
-Wait.-'Member feeling safe?
'Member no ISIS?
Ooh! I 'member!
-Ooh, 'member?!-Ooh, 'member?!
[ Spits ] What the [bleep] goingon with these memberberries?
Mr. Garrison is still on the campaign trail as the National Anthem gets a reboot by an American Icon.